Some people I know are going to see the title of this post and say, “She doesn’t have a brother…? Coworkers, mainly, who don’t know or I haven’t disclosed to because of fear of them not being okay with it or questioning it more than I can answer. I hope this letter can be an answer for you.
Rylan,
For over 24 years of my life, you were “Rachel”* to me, and if asked, I would tell people I had a sister. It was what I was used to and what I knew and what was comfortable.
When you were around 15, you were still “Rachel” to me. And you came out as being a lesbian. This wasn’t necessarily a shock for me. You’d always been a tomboy. You loved sports and hats and basketball shorts and wearing your hair in a ponytail. I was home for a weekend (I had just started my freshman year at Kansas State) and you weren’t at home for one reason or another, so my parents thought it a good time to tell me what you had disclosed to them. I slowly told friends and most were okay with it. Obviously some weren’t.
When I was in college, I was involved in a campus ministry and started to realize just how judgmental people could be. If people didn’t ask, I didn’t tell them than my (then) sister was a lesbian. It just wasn’t mentioned. I chose not to reveal that part of my life because I didn’t want them judging either of us. Neither of us deserved it. That was my choice. College went by and you were still you, obviously, and I was okay with that, and I loved you for exactly who you were.
Fast-forward quite a few years. July of 2015 brought more changes for me than I thought it would. Holly and I started dating, which brought about a whole new level of fear of being judged than you being a lesbian. Because now I was a lesbian and I was like, well, shit, now what are people going to think? All of the fears came rushing back as Holly and I started considering our future together and what it would look like.
That September I think (I don’t actually remember the exact day) I got a phone call from you. Mom and Dad were at church and Holly and I were sitting at their house watching TV. You told me you had something to tell me and I had no idea what to expect. You said “Hey, I wanted to tell you. I’m…(dramatic pause which felt like a lifetime to me) transgender.” I looked at Holly who was sitting next to me and obviously listening to the conversation, and I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped. Not out of “This is ridiculous and not true” but more so a beginning of “this is new and will take some getting used to”.
I’ve learned a lot of things since then about reacting and interacting to people who vary in their identities. I have a friend who’s (I believe) non-binary who is referred to as they/them and has a very gender neutral name. The biggest part for me wasn’t even learning to call you by your new name, but rather, learning to refer to you as he/him instead of she/her. It was weird. It caught me off guard. I’d had a sister for so many years, and now, I had a brother! How many people can say that?
Okay, a lot, but that’s besides the point. Let’s continue.
You were the very first family member I told about Holly and I. I had told exactly two friends before you because I was still trying to find the right way to do it. Obviously I wasn’t afraid, but I also didn’t want to just be like “Hey, I love Holly” randomly in a conversation. Well, a night came that Holly was asleep and you and I were out on Mom and Dad’s patio (man, I miss that patio…) and it just came out. Granted, you straight up asked me, but I knew I couldn’t lie. So it came out, I went and woke up Holly, and you were so excited for us. The next day, you told Sarah, and then the day after, you both were with us when we told Mom and Dad. I was so scared. And looking back on it, I have no idea why. They’d already been through you coming out. Twice. How different could this be?
When I started my job with the county, I was put in an interesting position. I was working with a few people who knew you when you were “Rachel”, and who I was pretty sure didn’t know you as Rylan. I was terrified. Though I had known you for over a year at that point as Rylan, I still told people I had a sister. And I know why I did it. I was afraid of my bosses or other coworkers asking me to explain to them why I was telling people I had a brother and not a sister. I was afraid of you being judged. So I began referring to you as my sibling. I didn’t want to mis-gender you, but in doing so, I also didn’t give you the credit you deserved as a human, and I feel so stupid for that and hope you can forgive me.
I want you to know that my lack of telling people was never meant to be portrayed as being uncomfortable with who you were or the journey you’re on. It was more so a sense of being unsure of how people would then look at me, and I realize now that I was being so incredibly selfish in this.
Today, when I meet someone new, I tell them I have a brother. I don’t tell them you’re trans, I don’t say that you used to be my sister. I’m straightforward because I realize that you are who you are and I’m supportive of every single part of that, just as you’ve been supportive of every single part of my journey. If they ask questions, I’ll tell them, but if they don’t, then I just assume that they’re as big of a fan of you as I am.
So this is my letter of openness to everyone I know. No, I do not have a sister. I have a brother, and his name is Rylan. Yes, I technically speaking used to have a sister, and her name was “Rachel”. But that person is in the past, and my brother is my present and future. I won’t be offended if you get it wrong the first time, I’ll simply and kindly correct you and go on from there. Please don’t act like you have to behave differently around me. We’re both still the same people.
Rylan, I love you, and I love who you are. Don’t ever stop being the best you.
*I use this name in parentheses because this no longer who Rylan identifies as, and I am honoring who he is as an individual and a male.
The Same As the Different 